Babies/Toddlers

Someone emailed me recently sharing her concern over the way her toddler looked in his referral pictures. Every picture she got showed him looking forlorn, and she was starting to wonder if the child would be unhappy forever. As adoptive parents we usually have very little information about the children we are planning to bring into our lives. Because of this, we'll often spend hours looking at the few pictures we get, trying to guess more about our children's character and temperament. While waiting for our first Ethiopian daughter to come home, we got picture after picture of a solemn, unhappy looking kid. Multiple adoptive families very kindly checked in on her as we waited. Out of all the… [more]

One of my sons came home at the age of 20 months when his 'big' brother was only 23 months of age. The 23 month old had never gotten reliable about sleeping all night. The newest arrival woke crying in terror several times a night due to the huge change in his life. AND they slept in the same room, so they would sometimes wake each other. I was pretty tired for awhile. I put a mattress on the floor of their room, so that when either boy woke, I just went in and laid down with them. The better-settled, older child would go back to sleep right away, but the younger one often needed me to pat his back for a few minutes to settle… [more]

Many adoptive parents are very concerned that their babies become well attached to them, and this is wise. Attachment is a precious thing and should not be taken for granted. I wrote in a previous post about some ways we can help babies get better attached to us. But how do we tell that our efforts are working? First of all, your own emotions about the baby are a huge indicator of how things are going. Mother-love doesn't always come instantly-- don't panic if it takes you awhile to feel in love-- and a mom suffering from post-adoption depression might also have a hard time assessing her child's adjustment. But in general if you are feeling good about your baby's interactions with you… [more]

When you bring home a baby past the newborn age, some things are the same as if you've brought home a newborn and some are different. A newborn will most likely attach easily to a loving mom. An 8 month old who has been cared for by several different caregivers might attach effortlessly. Or he might take some months to become well attached. But there are definitely things you can do that help a baby attach more quickly. In a future post I will also discuss some ways to tell if attachment is going well. Five Tools to Help Your Baby Attach 1. When you bring your baby home, hold her and carry her as much as you possibly can. We Americans have access… [more]

Many people are not aware that it is possible to breastfeed an adopted child. Mothers may choose to do this for nutritional reasons or bonding reasons or both. Most adoptive moms can indeed produce some milk for their babies, but few can produce a full supply. There are some handy little gadgets that moms can use to supplement the baby while at the breast and to increase the baby's interest in nursing. Experts say that even 4 ounces of breast milk a day is enough to give babies all the immunities and health benefits of nursing. In my opinion, however, bonding is an even more important reason to breastfeed than nutrition. Most adoptive moms bring their babies home weeks or months after… [more]

Awhile back I saw a family at the library who had just brought home a one year old daughter from China. The baby was firmly ensconced in the father's arms, and the mother had a weary look about her. As we waited in line, we struck up a conversation. The baby had been home a couple weeks, and the mother said she wouldn't go to mom -- that she preferred dad and screamed if mom did any part of the child's care. I could tell by the way the mom spoke that she was wounded by this rejection, but was trying to be understanding of the child's needs.So far they had been accommodating the child's preferences. The dad… [more]

My two year old still takes a bottle. Yes, it's true. Just at bedtime and nap time...and we're going to cut it out... one of these days. But not just yet. The other day I realized why her bottle time is as sweet to me as it is to her. We were at a doctor's appointment with one of her siblings. It was nap time, and to avoid a meltdown, I'd brought her bottle into the office with us. As soon as we got settled, sure enough, she asked for the bottle. I handed it to her and she sucked for a few seconds, standing in front of me. Then she held her arms up to me, asking… [more]

I enjoy reading the blog The Naked Ovary. She has just brought a toddler home from China, and this weekend posted about her struggles to help her new daughter sleep. After posting a big long comment at her place, I decided to also share my comment here, since sleep issues in newly arrived kids are so very common. ************ My reply: One of my sons came home at the age of 20 months when his 'big' brother was only 23 months of age. My new son woke crying in terror several times a night due to the huge change in his life, and my 23 month old also woke up at night occasionally. AND they slept in the same room, so they would sometimes wake each other. (Not always… [more]

Listen in long enough on the conversation of any group of new moms, and eventually the talk will turn to sleep. Who's getting it, who isn't, and how to get more of it. Opinions about settling babies to sleep will fly, with the lucky moms of 'sleepers' almost certain to expound upon THE way to get babies to sleep. In my experience, there is not one right way to get a baby to sleep. Babies have different levels of tolerance and so do parents. Potentially lots of different ways could work. However when you are talking about an adopted baby, I think that there is a narrower range of 'good' ways to handle getting a baby to sleep, especially… [more]

This evening I was lying in my 3 year old's bed, helping her get settled in for the night. I told her it was almost time for me to go and she did her usual fussing, trying to keep me just a few minutes longer. Finally, she said in tones of frustration, "But, Mom, I have a terrible sickness on me!" Through giggles (mine) and a few tummy-tickles (both of us) I managed to make her admit that she wasn't really sick after all. Finally she was tucked in for the night, and I could slip away, with the promise that I would peek in on her in awhile. Seems like a commonplace interaction, but it took us two years to get to this… [more]