America is so rich compared to Ethiopia. And yet in some ways Ethiopian mothers may know more about what babies need that we Americans do. We in America focus so much on getting babies independent. If an American mom carried a baby as much as Ethiopian moms do, people would probably tell her she was spoiling her child. The pressure on American babies is always to grow up faster.

When groups of American mothers get chatting, talk can sometimes sound like a competition. The faster a baby sleeps all night, loses the binky, gets rid of the bottle, walks alone, soothes himself to sleep,... more

Recently I read a question from a woman feeling pressure to go back to work when her newly arrived 6 month old had been home just 4 weeks, but wondering how it would affect her baby's attachment to her. I think she is right to be concerned. Of course each family has to make their own choices. But in my opinion if you want to ensure a strong attachment with your child, 4 weeks is much too soon to go back to work, even part time.

I know that some women simply MUST go back to work. But if there is the slightest wiggle-room in your work/ maternity leave situation, I always would opt for the longer... more

My baby is 15 months old and has been home since last June.   She is settling in well, and overall I am feeling good about her attachment to me.  She prefers me above everyone, responds when I comfort her. But there are days I worry anyway.   Busy days like yesterday when I had so much to do that I didn’t play on the floor with her… didn’t even get her into the baby carrier and carry her around as I cooked. She loves it when I do that. Why didn’t I, anyway?

It wasn't like she was neglected.   She had older siblings playing with her.   As always, I fed her bottles, and cereal, and noodle soup. I snuck in a game or two of peek-a-boo and this little piggy. I rocked her.   ... more

One of the most awkward parts -- to me anyway-- of getting a new child settled in is having to ask the relatives to stand back for awhile to let the new child first get attached to mom and dad. Our youngest daughter has been home since last June, and has been cautious with other people till recently.

But just lately she has been getting kind of casual in who she goes up to and solicits hugs or pick-ups from and it is making me a little antsy. I know just enough about attachment to realize that when a 1 year old ASKS to be picked up by someone she sees infrequently, maybe that isn’t such... more

Nancy wrote a thoughtful post over on the Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog yesterday.

I think sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to see that their kids might have issues. Maybe they see attachment disorder as a forever diagnosis rather than something that often can be worked through IF we are willing to face up to it and do the tough work. I know it took me awhile to see the truth with one of mine.

This child, who arrived home at 20 months, had definite issues that thankfully now we have overcome. It took me a good 3 months to face up to what was going on in the attachment department,... more

One of my passions is helping others get the best possible start in becoming attached to their newly arrived children. Lots of people think attachment is something that happens automatically when a new child comes home-- “All he needs is the love of a family and everything will be fine,” is a comment I often hear.

Others live in fear of the dreaded RAD-- reactive attachment disorder, sometimes even deciding not to adopt because of the possibility of it. The more balanced approach is somewhere in between.

Many children WILL settle easily into normal family life. But some will need... more

When you’re waiting for your child to come home, you spend a lot of time staring at pictures. Our first Ethiopian daughter was 20 months on homecoming, and spent about 10 months in the orphanage before she came to us. Most of the pictures we got of her were awful. She looked confused. Grumpy. Scared. Lonely. Scowling. I stared at those pictures, trying to infer something about her personality. And I worried. Oh, I wanted to race over there and scoop her up and squeeze her and find out what she was really like. Instead all I could do was stare at those pictures and pray.

When once... more