One of my sons came home at the age of 20 months when his 'big' brother was only 23 months of age. The 23 month old had never gotten reliable about sleeping all night. The newest arrival woke crying in terror several times a night due to the huge change in his life. AND they slept in the same room, so they would sometimes wake each other.

I was pretty tired for awhile. I put a mattress on the floor of their room, so that when either boy woke, I just went in and laid down with them. The better-settled, older child would go back to sleep right away, but the younger one often needed me to pat his back for a few minutes to settle back down. I know that some folks just turn on the... more

Many adoptive parents are very concerned that their babies become well attached to them, and this is wise. Attachment is a precious thing and should not be taken for granted. I wrote in a previous post about some ways we can help babies get better attached to us. But how do we tell that our efforts are working?

First of all, your own emotions about the baby are a huge indicator of how things are going. Mother-love doesn't always come instantly-- don't panic if it takes you awhile to feel in love-- and a mom suffering from post-adoption... more

When you bring home a baby past the newborn age, some things are the same as if you've brought home a newborn and some are different. A newborn will most likely attach easily to a loving mom. An 8 month old who has been cared for by several different caregivers might attach effortlessly. Or he might take some months to become well attached.

But there are definitely things you can do that help a baby attach more quickly. In a future post I will also discuss some ways to tell if attachment is going well.

Five Tools to Help Your Baby Attach

1. When you bring your baby home, hold her and carry her as much as you possibly can. We Americans have... more

I have wondered how it would feel to bring older children into our home-- how long it would take for them not to be strangers. Would they smell different? Would they charm me immediately or would acting loving be simply a decision for awhile? Many adoptive parents discover to their surprise that love does not come instantly-- I had faced this dilemma once myself and know it is a normal thing, and one that can be overcome. And yet it feels so much better when you fall in love right away.

The first time I saw the girls was amazing. Our coming together was emotional and warm and felt so right.... more

I can barely express the respect I feel for my daughters. The way they have walked into this new life of theirs. Into room after room after room of new and pale and inquisitive people. The way they try new foods and go new places and embrace new adventures and learn new games and sing new songs and wrap their mouths and their minds around a plethora of new words.

Yes, there are times when they are unhappy. They've learned that their new family is human, after all. We can’t possibly measure up to the fantasy family that grew in their minds as they waited to come to us. How could there not be pangs of sadness as the dream-family fades away and before the real one becomes dear?

And... more

Many people are not aware that it is possible to breastfeed an adopted child. Mothers may choose to do this for nutritional reasons or bonding reasons or both.

Most adoptive moms can indeed produce some milk for their babies, but few can produce a full supply. There are some handy little gadgets that moms can use to supplement the baby while at the breast and to increase the baby's interest in nursing. Experts say that even 4 ounces of breast milk a day is enough to give babies all the immunities and health benefits of nursing.

In my opinion,... more

When we bring new children into our family, one of the things we most want is for them to feel like family, to settle in and have a sense of belonging. One really great way to foster that sense of belonging is through family traditions.

Traditions can be big or little. One of our most treasured family traditions is breakfast in bed for the birthday girl or boy. The birthday kid gets to choose the breakfast menu that morning, which isn’t always exactly on the birthday, but is always on a morning that the whole family is home. The birthday kid gets to sleep in while everyone else scurries around getting breakfast prepared.

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Not all adopted children will have attachment issues. But we as adoptive families would be wise to learn all we can about attachment so we can effectively parent our children if issues come up. Here are some of the most helpful attachment-related books I have read:

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray This book is a great overview to help children of any age get well settled into their new family. It discusses factors that may affect attachment, common issue at various stages, and has lots of specific ways parents can help their children settle in well. I think... more

Things are going pretty decently here, all things considered. The kids are fed and clothed and regularly hugged and we're taking walks and playing Dutch Blitz (was there ever a better game for the impatient sort like me??) and eating chocolate. And on a daily basis we're getting smiles and hugs and chatter (increasingly in English) from our new girls.

I keep hoping they are feeling like Peter at the beginning of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe where after surveying the Professor's house, he told his siblings, "We've fallen on our feet and no mistake...."

Of course I am sure there must be moments (hours?) when the non-stop English and the cheesy casseroles... more

Awhile back I saw a family at the library who had just brought home a one year old daughter from China. The baby was firmly ensconced in the father's arms, and the mother had a weary look about her. As we waited in line, we struck up a conversation. The baby had been home a couple weeks, and the mother said she wouldn't go to mom -- that she preferred dad and screamed if mom did any part of the child's care.

I could tell by the way the mom spoke that she was wounded by this rejection, but was trying to be understanding of the child's needs.So far they had been accommodating the... more