Sometimes kids can go through spells when all they seem to want to do is argue. You say a movie was fun, and he says, 'I didn't like it.' You admire your daughter's hat and she abruptly decides not to wear it.

When kids get on an oppositional kick, it can get so wearing that it is hard to know how to respond. The other day one of my daughters was having one of those days. I was getting ready to bake some pumpkin pie, and thought she'd be pleased.

"No pie," she said, wrinkling her nose. "I want cake."

I was disappointed that she didn't seem pleased about the pie. She'd loved it... more

One of the things adopted kids can struggle with is recognizing just how much they have that is good. Granted, there is terrible loss mingled in there with the good stuff. I don't downplay that, and I do try to let my kids express that sad emotion.

But I think there is a difference between real grief and a nasty little complaining kick. When kids gripe endlessly about everything in their lives, I try to help them think of at least a few enjoyable things that they do have in their current life.

Often I will say, "Quick, name 5 things you're thankful for!" Usually with a little coaching... more

A reader recently asked me what I thought was the most important thing to keep in mind when considering international adoption. I think what we really need to understand is that these kids have a past. They are not newborns with blank slates. Some of them have living family. Some have memories. Most have had times of sub-optimal care, where caregivers were inconsistent or unavailable.

These things leave their mark. Folks need to go into adoption with the knowledge that even infants will probably take a few months to settle in. Do some reading so you'll be prepared if your child resists... more

I stumble out groggily to the living room, intent on coffee and few minutes of quiet email before breakfast. The 6 youngest are already up, watching kids' shows on PBS. When my (home from Ethiopia in August) 12 year old spots me, she says, "Mom-- fire!" and then turns her attention back to the TV.

I understand that she is not yet speaking in complete sentences, but her imperious tone grates on my tired self. "What?!?" I say in a disbelieving tone.

Still staring at the TV, she repeats herself. "Make fire! I'm cold." She curls her 12 year old self into a more comfortable ball in the recliner and tucks the pillows around herself.

"You need to be nice to mom. I think... more

One of the things that often happens after the arrival of a child is something adoptive parents sometimes feel too ashamed to admit. At some point or another, days or weeks or even months after your child arrives, you just might find yourself grieving.

Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint just what is triggering grief. But many folks realize that what is going on is that they are grieving their old lives. Adoptive parents invest so very much in getting these precious children into their homes that it can be hard to face those less-than-lovely thoughts.

Sometimes it can point out a bit of selfishness that you don't really want to face. You might even catch yourself wondering... more

Almost every parent has to come up with consequences when kids do not cooperate, and parents of newly arrived children are no exception. During the first couple months of homeschooling this year, we've dealt with our fair share of attitudes and non-compliance during school time, enough that my 15 year old son sagely observed, "The honeymoon ends a lot quicker when you're homeschooling, doesn't it?"

No kidding.

It is only natural that kids will test the limits in a new situation. That's what kids do. We are still working out the kinks in our own situation, and I am in no way implying that we... more

I know I've blogged on this topic several times lately, but helping new children settle into the family seems to involve a fair bit of limit-setting. There are just so many rules to learn. No spitting food on the floor, not even the bad bits. No running in church (not even afterwards). Showers are required at least twice a week-- and yes, I WILL help you if you require it. Answer mom when she speaks to you, even if you're not happy with what she asked. And on and on. There are just so many things to learn about the culture of a new family.

Last evening I took my new 9 and 12 year old daughters to my 19 year old's college choir concert. Again there were rules that I hadn't... more

This evening at prayer time my 5 year old (home 3 years) was bopping and flopping around during bedtime prayers in the most distracting of ways. Repeated reminders and warnings didn't phase her a bit-- she was tuning out both her dad and me . Finally I told her that since she'd decided to disobey, she'd need to sleep in the toddler bed in my room. (I planned to move her to her own bed as soon as she fell asleep.)

Usually she shares a room with her 9 and 12 year old sisters, which she loves. I was hoping that being confined to my bedroom instead of her own would cause her to listen to my words a little more seriously in the future. She seemed mildly disappointed, but trundled... more

One fun tradition we have at our house is that of making a photo album for each child. We add to each album every year or two, and pull the child's album out at his birthday party each year so that we can all exclaim over how much the child has grown. I plan to give the albums to the kids when they become adults, but I may need to run each album to the copy store to make a copy for myself first!

Since our new daughters have come home, they have spent a bit of time flipping through their siblings' albums. It has been a nice way for them to get a sense of our traditions as a family, and they have loved seeing their siblings as babies and little children.

I just recently... more

The other day I had a dramatic reminder of how emotion can cloud understanding. It was the end of a long day. Propelling the children through their school day had been exhausting. I'd spent the afternoon canning, then had to run to the store at dinnertime for more canning supplies, along with some deli chicken for dinner since I was too tired to cook. When we'd washed sheets that day, I realized our new girls would need another blanket each on their beds soon. At WalMart I grabbed a couple of soft cotton ones along with the canning rings and chicken. I thought the girls would like these new ones better than the old army-green ones in the closet. At home I handed the girls... more